Mothering from afar

I think the hardest part about being in the hospital for so long, is not being with my girls. I get to spend quite a bit of time with Brian, which is so great. After he gets the girls to bed, he comes up to the hospital to be with me. I love it, and don't know what I would do without him. But, I still have that ache in my heart for my sweet girls. I do get to see them, but it's so different than being with them, loving them, and caring for them, basically being their mom. Somehow, even though I know I'm doing the right thing for our family and our baby, I can't get over the fact that I'm not being a mom to them right now. I almost feel like I've abandoned them. Yes, it's only been a few weeks, but it feels much longer. Are my two little ones old enough to understand that I don't want to be away from them? That I would much rather be there with them during this time? I don't know if they are. Yet, I feel they are safe and happy. I feel they all are. When I talk to them on the phone, and when they come and visit me, they seem happy and content, and that makes me even more grateful for my sweet mother who has sacrificed so much to be here and help my family. What would I do without her at this time? My kids are on their same schedules, they sleep in their own beds, they have their dad and grandma their to love them. The only thing that is different is their mom isn't there. It's such a relief to know that things are fairly normal to them right now. So that's what keeps me going, and someday, not too far away I hope, things will be back to normal and I can be their mom again.

As far as my pregnancy and the baby goes, everything is pretty much the same. Although I am 30 weeks along now, which is a huge feat in my mind. My ultrasound yesterday seemed to make all my doctors happy. I guess they were more worried about the placenta abrupting from the uterus, or the baby in some kind of distress. Although that was great news too, I was hoping to see a migrating placenta which would mean my going home. Well, unfortunately for me it was in the same exact place. No movement, and no hope for an early return. I was even told that at this point it probably won't happen, so they will schedule another ultrasound for four more weeks. That seems like an eternity for me, but I will plug along if it means our baby will be safe. I was surprised by my emotions yesterday. I guess I really did believe the placenta would move up. Or maybe it was joy from being out for the first time in two and a half weeks, even if it was only down a few halls.

So today I just received another IV (which has to be changed every four days). I have to say, that's the second worse part about being here. I'm not a huge fan of needles especially when they can't seem to find my veins. I will have quite a few scars to show for this when I get out. But, despite that, I am doing pretty well. I am a little lonely at times, but thanks to some wonderful friends I feel very loved. I look around at my room and see so many wonderful cards, books, magazines, and treats, that my sweet friends and family have brought me and I can't tell you how grateful I am. I really feel so blessed and know that Heavenly Father is watching over our family right now. I read a touching article yesterday about a family who almost lost their seventeen month old boy whom they found not breathing in the bath tub. It made me realize how good I have it. How quickly life goes, and how precious it is. Whatever trials we have, we need to take them with faith and let our fears wash away. As this mother said, " I have no room in my heart for both fear and faith. One of them has to go, and I choose faith."